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Greetings weak Earth creatures! You may have noticed that Alfonzo is not presenting the demo kitchen this month... that is because HE! IS! A! FILTHY! HIPPY! And so.... I have decided to take over. Do you have a problem with that? I thought not, you despicable mortals! Now.. let us begin what will surely be....THE! SUPREME! DEMO! REVIEW! OF! THE! UNIVEEEEERSE!!
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So.... GEORDIE LA FORCE thought it would be a good idea to challenge me with one man prog metal did he? Wrong, GLF!! You're music is crazy enough to keep my entire mutant planet awake at night! NOW! YOU! WILL! DIE!!! DIE!!!
RATING: MUTANT HEADACHES
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Now I must confess.. I rather like this band LURCH - they know how it feels to be tormented by nightmares. I must experiment on their brains sometime... Infact they sound like a 1980s Dystopian tv theme as performed by The Undertones!
RATING: DYSTOPIAN TV THEME
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The singer from MAUDITE DANCE sounds like a panting dog waiting to go for a walk - more of the cute female vocals and wierd keyboards please... or I WILL! DESTROY! YOU!
RATING: VOLCANIC MUTANT NOISE
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Herzoga: not a second wasted (Photo: Fi Wood)
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I see that HERZOGA have been listening to The Fall! Good... good.... this may be the best band I've heard in this dispicable kitchen all day. Not a second is wasted on this crucial, inventive unit. Think Art Brutish vox over Awful Sparksish quirkiness. So good infact, I might invite them to join me to CONQUER! THE! UNIVERSE! FOR THE! REST! OF! TIME!!! Hisssss-ssss-ssss
RATING: ALLIES OF THE DALEKS
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MIMI YEAH! could almost be a doped up Mazzy Star with her 'Cycling Song'. It displays what seems to be honest feelings of heartfelt sadness - a sign of weaklings in most cases, but a bonus here! Get a band Mimi, you adorable specimen!
RATING: SPACE MICE
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So... THE VELODROME think that by announcing they live next door to Artrocker.com's offices they can scare the leader of the daleks into giving them a good review? Well YOU! ARE! WRONG! YOU! MISERABLE! MORTALS!! However, never let it be said that I do not possess compassion: this band is a dancable hybreed of the Cure, almost a funkier Bloc Party...
RATING: SHOOTING STARS
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Hissss. THE CARTER MANOEUVRE's fizzly pop skates over the ice of an out of control rhythm section, like Frank Zappa guiding The Wombats through the mists of time and space.... hisssss..... Huggghhhhhhhssssssss! (*phlegm noise)
RATING: INTERESTING SPECIES
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And so, you filthy artrocker.com reader, my time amongst you has come to an end. We close up with DOCTORS OF LOVE - a band that sound like The Commitments soundtrack except they write all their own songs, just like those X Factor cretins pretend to! Bums will wiggle to this in a live setting, but on my CD player they ARE JUST ANNOYING AND WILL BE EXTERMINATED!
RATING: BRILLIANT YET IRRITABLE
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ALFONZO WILL BE BACK ONE DAY. SEND UNSIGNED DEMOS OF 2-3 SONGS TO THE FOLLOWING ADDRESS:
ALFONZOS DEMO KITCHEN
5 VICTORIA MANSIONS
133 HOLLOWAY ROAD
LONDON
N7 8LZ
OR IF YOU ARE A LAZY BONES JUST MAKE BUDDIES WITH HIM AT
ALFONZOS DEMO MYSPACE
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