This week's singles reviewed

THE LOW MIFFS
EARL GREY / THIS IS THE NEW
(ART / GOES / POP)

‘Earl Grey’ starts off with a hugely promising, gently chiming guitar with an uplifting melody that increases in speed excitingly but then falls into mouldy, derivative angular pop which rather than serving to ruin the song instead keeps you waiting for the soft section to return. Rather than being an ode to the wonders of the teabag, the song instead charts the persecution of a hapless victim of the justice system. Somehow the band manage to pull off the musical juxtapositions through sheer conviction and that lovely first section. Lyrically, the highlight is B-Side ’This Is The New’ that critiques the pop culture cycle and contains the humorously compelling couplet “The body is now the new brain/disinterest is the new disdain”. Head and shoulders above most of the indie trash being peddled at the moment, I am curious to see how this band progress.

ALLY KERR
COULD HAVE BEEN A CONTENDER / DISLOCATION
(MUCH OBLIGED RECORDS)

It really sometimes beggars belief how artists put their better compositions on as B-Sides. By historical accident, tracks such as The Stone Roses’ ‘Fool’s Gold’ have been saved from such a fate as well as (albeit over a decade too late) Oasis favourite, ’Acquiesce’. On evidence of this single, the young Scottish troubadour is placing his better compositions as B-Sides much as Noel Gallagher and Suede did early on in their careers. Let’s hope his wells of pleasantly hushed acoustic pop don’t run dry as early as any of the aforementioned. Neither are tracks for Saturday nights or Sunday mornings, but the sprightly A-Side neatly fits into the Music While You Work bracket.

DULOKS
(I’M GONNA FOLLOW) YOUR STAR TRAIL
(ART / GOES / POP)

Largely humourless and irritating synth-based electropop with some clearly rose-tinted love for ‘80s New Wave. It really depresses me when I’m listening to songs where the titles are the most interesting things about them: ’Boom Boom (Mormon Lovin’ Momma)’ and ’red wizard needs food…badly!!!’ are the two highlights. I’d hate to think what aspiring pop stars 20 years from now would be making of today’s music. Especially if they’ve been brought up listening to Duloks. The frustrating thing is half the tunes here have potential: if only the drum machine on ‘Boom Boom…’ could be sped up, if only the wonderfully minimalistic ‘red wizard…’ (the best song on here) could be a bit longer, if only ‘bad vegetarian’ had never been written by anyone. Ever.

THIRTY SECONDS TO MARS
THE KILL (REBIRTH)
(VIRGIN)

I’m told by a reliable source (QI) that because of the rotation of the earth, an object can be thrown further if thrown west. I am also informed by the same source that the average number of Americans killed annually by vending machines falling on them is 13. Despite the extreme personal danger involved in telling you this, I can also exclusively reveal that a peanut is not a nut. It is, in fact, a legume. I therefore urge everyone who has ever seen a copy of any music by Jared Leto’s quasi-Emo band, Thirty Seconds To Mars to hurl it westwards, or place it in the back pocket of an American next to a vending machine (you have approximately a 13/301,584,000 chance of killing two birds with one stone) and, erm, eat lots of legumes. They’re a hell of a lot better for you than this puerile drivel.

THE STARTIONS
PRIMADONNA
(SCINCE FICTION THEATRE)

Q: What are the hallmarks of a modern ‘The’ band?
A: Trebly guitars, energetic bass, post-punk inspired productions/vocals. That disco/high-hat crunching drum thing as practised by every band since Franz Ferdinand. Generally uninspired songs and lyrics which despite being high on the energy factor never attempt to either innovate or truly interest. They probably have long, unruly hair, wear skinny jeans and vests, walk around quoting Ian Curtis lyrics to themselves and would probably start crying tears of joy at the first mention of a Libertines reunion. As a general rule they also tend to inspire equally uninteresting reviews that the author feels must be presented in the form of an exam Q&A session to make it more interesting.