Have you forgotten the way to your lover’s heart? It’s through their stomach you idiot. I should know – I’m massively overweight, but I am also a great lover.
It’s not some pretentious swanky leafy shit box of a meal like canard de frick that has me all loved up, it’s fatty and joyful food that makes me tick. I would like to share my final meal with you, the meal I would ask for on the morning of my walk to the gallows. Toad in the mutha f***ing hole, as I like to call it.
Batter
3 oz (75 g) plain flour
1 egg, make it a big’un
3 fl oz (75 ml) milk and 2 fl oz (50ml) water mixed together
salt and pepper
For the onion gravy:
8 oz (225 g) onions, peeled and sliced
a splosh of oil
1 teaspoon of sugar
A bit of Worcestershire sauce if you got it
1 teaspoon mustard powder or mustard
15 fl oz (425 ml) vegetable stock. Oxo and water combo=good. There is a swanky one called vegatable bouillon that is nice too, probably next to Oxo in the shop.
1 rounded dessertspoon plain flour
salt and pepper
Pre-heat the oven to gas mark 7, 425°F (220°C).
Batter is the bit I love. I love batter. Shall I qualify that? I could eat Batter all day long. It’s well easy, here’s how:
Sieve the flour into a big bowl and from a great height to get it full off air. This will make nice, light batter. Make a well in the middle of the flour and break the egg into it. Add salt and pepper.
Start whisking with a fork or electric whisk. I find a fork is fine. Slowly add the milky, water mix. Get all the flour mixed in and keep going until it’s a nice smooth mixture. It should be quite runny.
Put the onions in a bowl and mix in a splosh of oil and the sugar. Spread them out on a baking tray and stick them in the top of the oven to go all caramelised and burnt. Mmmh. It takes about 15 minutes.
Stick the Sausages in a roasting tin and put them in the oven too, a bit lower down for 10 mins. After the 10 minutes is up take the roasting dish out of the oven and stick it on a hot hob. Add some oil if the sausages haven’t produced very much. Get the oil dead hot and slop in the batter. Quickly slap the whole thing back in the oven for half an hour.
Start making the gravy when there is about 10 minutes left for the Toad to cook. First add the Worcestershire sauce and mustard powder to the stock, then add the onions from the baking tray to a pan. Now add the second teaspoon of oil, then stir in the plain flour. Stir all this together over a medium heat for about a minute. Now slowly add the stock mix to the pan stirring all the time. The flour makes the gravy nice and thick. Simmer it for 5 minutes.
The toad should go brown and crispy on top with a softness when you push it. It’s going to make your girlfriend/boyfriend cry like a baby. Maybe make some mashed potatoes. Now eat it all.

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